A biker in his late 50's is out for a blast on the first fine day in spring.
He's on his new R1 and is really enjoying the ride. He gets to a long straight and decides to see "what it'll do" and opens it up......
120, 130, 140, 150 flash across the clock.

"This is brilliant", he thinks to himself and clicks up into top and opens it wide...160, 170, then he starts to think maybe this isn't too clever and

starts to slow down.

When he hits 90, he looks in his mirrors he sees a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!"
and flies back up to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thinks, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulls over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the bike, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."



"Have a good day, Sir,"

3 blokes with speech impediments are stood in front of a gorgeous nurse.
She says " if you can say your name and where you come from without stammering i will give a bj like you have never had"
So the first bloke steps up " im Jjohn from Bbbbirmingham"
she says "no chance off you go"
Second bloke steps up " Im Ddave fffffrom NNNNewccccastle"
She tells him to F . Off
Third bloke steps up " im Mick from London"
She whips it out and gets to work, as Mick is about to blow his top he shouts...















DDDDERRY

what does a sheffield united fan do when his team have just gone 6-0 up against leeds?













turns off his x-box and gets back in bed with his sister!!

Frank Lampard has baaned Drogba from attending his mums funeral

in case he dives in the box

_________________
Zorro - the old codger

john arne riise was arrested the other day



he was heading the wrong way down a motorway

A football match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.

However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.

The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment's thought, said, 'OK - we'll take the shallow end!'

A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said A her husband,

'Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn't do a thing like that,-would you?'

'Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. 'The season's almost over!'

The local football team were having a dreadful season. They hadn't won a game for 12 weeks and the manager was at the end of his tether. "Look," suggested a friend one evening, "why don't you take the whole squad out for a ten mile run every day?"

"What good will that do?" moaned the manager.

"Well," replied his friend, "today's Sunday. By next Saturday they'll be 60 miles away and you won't have to worry about them."

Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."

Manager: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."

The manager of a Third Division club called his leading goal-scorer into his office.

'You've played so well this season,' he said, 'that the committee has decided to give you a special bonus.

We would like you to accept this cheque for £500.'


'Thank you very much,' said the player. 'That's very kind of you.'

'And,' continued the manager, 'if you play as well for the rest of the season, the chairman will sign it for you.'

A supporter arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official,

'What time does the match start?'

'There's no match today,' replied the official.

'But there must be!' argued the fan. 'It's Saturday.'

'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.

'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan, 'even if it's only a reserves game.'

'Watch my lips,' shouted the irate official. 'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'

'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',

'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.

Q. If David Beckham were to become one of the Spice Girls which one would he turnout to be?

A. Waste of Spice!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is the difference between an aeroplane kit and David Beckham?

A.One is a glueless kit, the other is a clueless git.


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Q. What did David Beckham have for breakfast this morning?

A. Who cares.


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Q. What have a Cartier watch and David Beckham got in common?

A. Both come in a Posh Box.


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David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank.

"I'd like to donate some sperm," he says to the receptionist.

"Certainly, Sir," she replies. "Have you donated before?"

"Yes," replies Beckham, "you should have my details on your computer."

"Oh, Yes, I've found your details," says the receptionist, "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"

"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.

"Well," the receptionist replies, "it says on your record that you're a useless w*nker."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

David Beckham wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best tracksuit, ready for another hard day's work at being an over privileged little creep.
Catching sight of himself in the mirror, he thinks, "By God, Dave, you're looking good this morning."

He admires the fine cut of his outfit and flexes his biceps. "Feeling good, too," he notes proudly at the firm swell of muscle underneath the kit he's wearing. He enters the kitchen and Posh, his bird, hands him a bowl of corn flakes.
"You're looking fit this morning, Dave," she says.

"To be sure," he replied appreciatively. "I feel good as well."

"But, Dave, you're not smelling so good, mind," comments his beloved.

Dave takes a sniff. "You're right there," he says worriedly, "I am smelling a bit rough."

He eats his cereal, downs his cup of coffee and sets off for Old Trafford.

"Good morning to you, sweetie," he grins at Alex Ferguson.

"It's a fine morning, Dave," says Alex, "and you're looking really good."

"Why, thank you. I look good and I feel pretty good as well," says Dave, flexing both arms for his benefit.

"But, Dave," winces Alex in disgust, "you smell awful."

More than a bit worried now, Dave visits his doctor.

"Doc, I've got a problem. I look good, I feel great, but I smell awful," says Dave.

The doctor reaches for his medical dictionary. "You look good ," he scans down the page, "you feel great ...but but smell awful. Hmmm yes! Well, it's all quite simple, Dave, all that's wrong with you is that you're a terminal Sh*t!

One of the highest paid players in the Premier division, Gary had everything going for him. He had a fancy new house in North-East London, a flash new sports car, masses of designer clothes -the lot. His only problem was that he had three girlfriends and he couldn't decide which one to marry. So he decided to give £5,000 to each woman to see what she would do with it.

The first woman bought new clothes for herself and had an expensive new hairdo, a massage, facial, manicure and pedicure.

The second woman bought a top-of-the range VCR and CD player, as well as an expensive set of golf clubs and tennis racquet and gave them all to Gary. "I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you," she told him.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market, and within a short time had doubled her investment. She gave Gary back the initial £5,000 and reinvested the profit. "I'm investing in our future because I love you so much," she said.

Gary considered carefully how each woman had spent the money, and then married the woman with the biggest breasts.

what did ryan giggs say wen man u won the champions league??








winning the european cup is like chocolate orange, its not terry's it's mine

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'

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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

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So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted
again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

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A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'